They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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