literally had 100 drinks last night.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
