life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
