Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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