Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
