I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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