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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
FUCK WHALES
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
