so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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