I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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