Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
