It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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