so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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