If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
