my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
