this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
