I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
