that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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