I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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