He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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