if i can run in heels then i can drive
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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