so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
