True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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