Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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