get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
