my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
