she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
