I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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