Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
