My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
