I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
