people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He felt like a one man threesome
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
