Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
