There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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