9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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