Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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