So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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