just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
