She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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