somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
