Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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