Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
