JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
