Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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