My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
