I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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