Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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