I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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