someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
