just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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