Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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